The Sorcerer's Apprentice

The Hub 4/25/10

Can we talk about online communities a little bit? In order for anyone to survive these days it feels like they've got to be affiliated with some sort of social networking website. Facebook, Twitter, to those late in the development - Myspace. All of those sites are for catching up with old pals, looking for new loves, shopping at online stores, and playing games. Someone could have their entire lives on these sites. But none of them, in my opinion, can compare to The Hub. By definition a "hub" is "a center around which other things revolve or from which they radiate; a focus of activity, authority, commerce,transportation, etc.: Chicago is a railroad hub." - (www.dictionary.com). For all intensive purposes, this is the most relevant definition I found. For Disney cast members The Hub is our source of communication for everything related to our jobs and the Disney Company in general. I go to The Hub to get everything I need - my work schedule, pay check information, etc. I can pick up shifts and give shifts away on The Hub. I can also check out my discount rates for resorts, book reservations with my discount, and find out really neat up-to-date Disney news on The Hub. It is our central point as Cast Members. I can not go one day at work without hearing about The Hub, nor can I go a day off of work without checking The Hub. Making sure my schedule is correct and that my pay check is coming on time and has all of the right hours. Everything I need is there. The Hub is our central point and we do anything and everything from there. But I wonder sometimes - what if I were an elderly cast member without computer skills? How do they do it? How do they get on The Hub and check everything out? Do their higher-ups help them out during their working hours? I've always wondered what it's like to be someone with limited knowledge - how are they helped? I guess I'm just thinking out loud. I'd really like to know what kind of help we have for cast members like that.

Disabilities 5/2/10

So this week we got a new KP cast member. We've gotten a few new people in the past few months but this one really stands out to me. His name is Richie and he is disabled. Richie has had no legs since he was about two years old. He is also missing a few fingers and has a lot of burn marks and scars all over his face. Richie is also from Manhattan, New York. So at first glance he is quite scary. He has been in a wheel chair his entire life and is used to it - that's just how he was raised so he knows no different. But I've noticed a lot of the things our managers do for Richie so that he can be a cast member at KP comfortably. For instance - they make it so that he doesn't have proficiencies to drive the pargo (a large version of a golf cart that we use to drive back stage to pick up used Kimmunicators during the day). So when he signs in on CDS during the day Mission Support doesn't even come up for him so that he will never have to go to the coordinator and say "I have no legs, how do you expect me to drive the pargo?". I really admire this. The fact that Disney says "Hey, you can work here. Whoever you are, and whatever you have going on.". And I'm not just talking about cast members. I love how accessible our parks are as a whole. We have wheel chair ramps at every attraction, and into all buildings. I've been told by many guests that Disney is the most accessible place they've been to. At night I do what is called PAC (Parade Audience Control) where I stand behind a rope and admit guests to a disabled section to watch the Illuminations show at night. The section gives guests with disabilities the opportunity to watch the show from the fence. The crowd outside of my ropes stands during the show, and if you are unable to stand then there is no way that you would be able to see the show from behind the crowd. Our PAC positions (there are four in Epcot) allow guests with disabilities to enjoy the show from the comfort of their chairs. I can't count how many nights I've had this position, but every time I do I'm thanked at least once by a guest who is unable to stand. And then they usually launch into a spiel filled with gratitude about how accessible Disney is. And I agree. I think it's amazing that we have so much hospitality for every type of person, and that Disney believed that anyone and everyone should be able to enjoy the facilities. Not just those who could stand it. Literally. 

There are no Stupid Questions - Or Are There?  5/9/10

I can not count how many times I have been standing at a Kim Possible cart, in my costume (grey cargo shorts, a black green and purple polyester top with the "Team Possible" logo, white socks, black sneakers and my Disney name tag reading "Courtney: Lynchburg College") and someone walks up to me and says exactly this: "Excuse me (looks at my name tag) Courtney, do you work here?". I really would like to say "No." at some point in time. I am sick and tired of all the stupid questions I get asked. I understand that Disney is a large place, but how can some people be so dense? I get asked often "Where is Disney?" and by now I know that what they are really meaning to ask is "Where is the Magic Kingdom?". See a lot of people reference our Disney here to be similar to the one in California. But they are actually very different. Just because there is a castle in The Magic Kingdom does not mean that it is the only Disney park in Florida. We have about fifty square miles here, with four parks, and countless resorts, golf courses, and other amenities. Walt Disney World is roughly the size of the city of San Francisco. But since Magic Kingdom has a castle just like Disney Land, people think that this is the only park we've got. I am so sick of the stupid questions. "Ma'am, what time is the three o'clock parade in Magic Kingdom?". You think I'm kidding but I'm dead serious. I've gotten that question at least five times since I got here. I don't know how people survive being so small minded and ill informed. I've also been asked about my own park. There are two parts to Epcot: Future World and the World Showcase. Future world holds the majority of the rides and attractions, while the Showcase has eleven pavilions representing different countries and is more culture oriented. When I set someone up in Future World for a mission in the German pavilion I got asked the weirdest question, and I will never forget it. The woman asked "Where is that?" which is a common question, so I explained to her how to get to the showcase and around to Germany. She still looked puzzled so I pulled out my map and showed her where we were and drew a route with my finger to where she was going. She then asked "Do I need a hopper pass to get to that park?". She thought that we had put two separate parks on the map. As if the maps aren't jumbled and confusing already, let's just go ahead and jam two into one map to save time and money and create confusion. Right. That's exactly what we did.   I am so confused as to how people think this way. With very little common sense. And I guess I would have been the same way to be honest. It's quite overwhelming, Disney, but I just wish people would think a little bit more before they open their mouths.  
 

Home Sweet Home 5/16/10

This week I was lucky enough to be back in Virginia for the week. I got to see graduation and pick up my car and be with my friends and family for the week. I flew into Virginia on the eleventh and was there until today, the sixteenth. I got to see graduation yesterday which was amazing. Unfortunately, I was supposed to spend the majority of my trip in Lynchburg and not just a day or so. I got there on Friday night, instead of on Tuesday. My brother's girlfriend had her baby this week and my car was having issues that we needed to get fixed before being able to drive all the way to Florida. So I made it finally to Lynchburg in time to see graduation and drive back to Florida. I'm not really looking forward to working this week because I've been off of work for so long. I really liked being at school. And I definitely realized how home sick I've been lately. I'm loving my time in Florida but I'm ready to be done and get back to my day-to-day at school. I didn't really notice much else about my internship experience this week. Except for how life might be after college. I've learned to cherish my vacations, because I'll be home sick once I'm living somewhere other than with my parents, and working for myself. I felt very grown this week because my parents didn't pay for my trip - I did. And I scheduled the time off, I didn't call out from work or anything to go. I did all of the planning myself, and for that I'm proud. And I feel like I'm growing up a lot from this experience and am very grateful to have the opportunity to be here. 

Oh, There's the Heat. 5/23/10

Thinking back now on the time when I was complaining about the cold... could I have that back? It is SO HOT here. We had that terrible winter, about a week of spring, and then BAM summer. It just smacked us all right in the face. The heat is high nineties all the time and it is so incredibly humid all the time. Our heat index is also incredibly high. All of the humidity leads to rain and thunder and lightning. None of this would be an issue with me if I didn't work outside all day every day. I guess I'm going to have to get used to it. I just can't believe that people actually do this - and some people work out here in PANTS. I can't believe that part either. After being home last week, this week has been terrible. It was cloudy and over cast and cold and rainy in Virginia for the entire week. And I would much rather that than this. I don't really know how to describe it other than miserable. However, I have learned how to hydrate. There are both good and bad sides to everything. This is also true about the new weather situation in Florida. Well... I guess it's just new to me and other "non-floridians". The good news is: if it storms too badly the Kim Possible workers get to go inside. The bad news? We have to stand in the rain all the time because the storms have to get REALLY bad for us to go inside. All of the outdoor merchandise and attractions go inside for just a little rain - but not Kim Possible. We have to have a flash-bang of under fifteen seconds (the time it takes between seeing the lightning and hearing the thunder) to be able to close down. And then by the time they (managers and such) decide to close us, the storm is already over, we are soaked head to toe (we have rain gear but in that rain it really doesn't matter. You're getting wet whether you like it or not), and it's time to go back out and start greeting guests again. I'm so incredibly frustrated with the way that we run these things at Kim Possible. You would think we'd be the first attraction to close down considering we deal with electronics outside, but no. We're stuck. And the heat too. We have small fans at our carts, but that really doesn't help much when the heat index is a hundred and five and we have to greet guests from twelve feet away from the cart in our suffocating polyester costumes. I wish these things were set up a bit differently. With all the details that imagineers go into for attractions and decorations for guests, you'd think whoever designs our costumes and carts and such would take the cast members and the weather into consideration. I hope some of this changes, but I'm sure it won't. It takes a lot to change something at Disney.

Everything Else - May through July

When I started this journal I was focusing on one thing a week that I noticed about Disney and Disney cast members or rules, etc. The past couple months I have just not been able to keep up. the summertime is here and everything about the parks is going crazy. I haven't been able to keep up with work and my personal life, and definitely not school. The point of focusing on one thing a week was so that I did not ramble and babble about the same things over and over again each week and so my journal actually served a purpose. These past couple months have been nothing but mundane. I get up, go to work, come home, go to bed, and get up and do it all over again. Luckily I've been driving to work since I have my car now, so things have been easier because I'm not always waiting on a bus. The only big thing that has happened in the past couple months is a new roommate. One of our girls in the apartment got terminated for eating something from the kitchen she worked at. That action is an automatic termination. She left for work around 2 in the afternoon and was fired by 4. It's insane how quickly these things happen. Since we had an open bed in the house we got a new housemate. She is not at all what I expected and she causes a lot of problems. I went to Price Management (the company that runs our apartment complex) and they were absolutely no help. I got shit from their manager and from fellow Disney Cast Members. I was required to sign a confidentiality agreement before meeting with them, so I'm not allowed to talk about specifics, but it was the worst experience I've ever had with a housing manager. He was just down right rude and it made me think: what is Disney doing here? I've realized that I have no options. I have the options that Price Management gives me, but nothing more. My mom said that Disney is running a Communist community, and I wholly agree. I have to live in the housing they provide, and in order to live here I have to follow their rules and do what they say, or I'm gone. And I don't find that quite fair at all. I don't like that I can't have my family over for a visit, or live with people that I'm comfortable with. I have to follow all of Disney's rules exactly how they are written, or I can quit and go home. And I have definitely considered that option. I have considered giving up the internship entirely and just going home and trying something else because of my living conditions. That's how terrible it's been. But I have to learn to get over it and just learn to deal with other people. I just don't think it's fair that I have to live with someone that I've never heard of or met, and I'm not even allowed to have a lock on my bedroom door. There is no privacy, there are no options, and it's just plain unfair. Other than that, everything is good. I have three weeks left and will write on final journal entry at the conclusion of my program. But it has been one crazy ride so far!!!

A Spoonful of Sugar - Mary Poppins

CDS 4/18/10

The most frustrating thing in the world is not knowing what to expect when you come to work. We have what is called CDS. To me, CDS is evil. CDS stands for Cast Deployment System. And it is the most gruesome thing I've ever encountered in my entire life. When I get to work I clock in on CDS, and if I'm late by even 5 seconds, then I'm late for the day. I get a half a point toward our attendance system and eventually will get in trouble if I get too many points. Which so far - I have too many. We're not going to count because it isn't enough to get me terminated but it is enough to make me look like a slack cast member. I sort of feel bad for the days that I've called in, but I see it the same way I see our school attendance policy. If I miss a certain amount of days then I fail/get fired (terminated) and I haven't missed enough to get in trouble yet so I'm guessing that I'm doing okay so far. But anyway - CDS is what we're focusing on this week. At Kim Possible there are at LEAST eight assignments that CDS can give out to you. You can either go to one of our Future World spots (East or West Innoventions or the Odyssey Bridge), any of our carts (Norway, Italy, or International Gateway), Mission Support (backstage help - gathering Kimmunicators and prepping them for more missions), or a task or break. Some of the cast members refer to the deployment system as a type of "Russian Roulette". Every time I step up to the computer to sign in I think to myself "Alright, let's spin the wheel and discover where our impending doom lies.". The CDS system is designed to help - not hurt. But sometimes it is so irrational, because computers can't think (obviously). The system is mostly scheduled - the coordinators schedule breaks and assignments for the day and then let CDS take care of their day for them. Although nothing ever works as it should. People walk too slow to their positions and breaks get backed up, or CDS lets out an assignment too early or too late. It's all one big mess. This week CDS has really pushed me to my limit. I'm sick of walking from Italy to Innoventions (at least a mile walk) in ten minutes or less to get a break out to someone, when someone from Innoventions gets sent to Italy to cover where my position just was. It's frustrating and makes no sense and just plain makes me angry. 

The Hub 4/25/10

Can we talk about online communities a little bit? In order for anyone to survive these days it feels like they've got to be affiliated with some sort of social networking website. Facebook, Twitter, to those late in the development - Myspace. All of those sites are for catching up with old pals, looking for new loves, shopping at online stores, and playing games. Someone could have their entire lives on these sites. But none of them, in my opinion, can compare to The Hub. By definition a "hub" is "a center around which other things revolve or from which they radiate; a focus of activity, authority, commerce,transportation, etc.: Chicago is a railroad hub." - (www.dictionary.com). For all intensive purposes, this is the most relevant definition I found. For Disney cast members The Hub is our source of communication for everything related to our jobs and the Disney Company in general. I go to The Hub to get everything I need - my work schedule, pay check information, etc. I can pick up shifts and give shifts away on The Hub. I can also check out my discount rates for resorts, book reservations with my discount, and find out really neat up-to-date Disney news on The Hub. It is our central point as Cast Members. I can not go one day at work without hearing about The Hub, nor can I go a day off of work without checking The Hub. Making sure my schedule is correct and that my pay check is coming on time and has all of the right hours. Everything I need is there. The Hub is our central point and we do anything and everything from there. But I wonder sometimes - what if I were an elderly cast member without computer skills? How do they do it? How do they get on The Hub and check everything out? Do their higher-ups help them out during their working hours? I've always wondered what it's like to be someone with limited knowledge - how are they helped? I guess I'm just thinking out loud. I'd really like to know what kind of help we have for cast members like that.

Disabilities 5/2/10

So this week we got a new KP cast member. We've gotten a few new people in the past few months but this one really stands out to me. His name is Richie and he is disabled. Richie has had no legs since he was about two years old. He is also missing a few fingers and has a lot of burn marks and scars all over his face. Richie is also from Manhattan, New York. So at first glance he is quite scary. He has been in a wheel chair his entire life and is used to it - that's just how he was raised so he knows no different. But I've noticed a lot of the things our managers do for Richie so that he can be a cast member at KP comfortably. For instance - they make it so that he doesn't have proficiencies to drive the pargo (a large version of a golf cart that we use to drive back stage to pick up used Kimmunicators during the day). So when he signs in on CDS during the day Mission Support doesn't even come up for him so that he will never have to go to the coordinator and say "I have no legs, how do you expect me to drive the pargo?". I really admire this. The fact that Disney says "Hey, you can work here. Whoever you are, and whatever you have going on.". And I'm not just talking about cast members. I love how accessible our parks are as a whole. We have wheel chair ramps at every attraction, and into all buildings. I've been told by many guests that Disney is the most accessible place they've been to. At night I do what is called PAC (Parade Audience Control) where I stand behind a rope and admit guests to a disabled section to watch the Illuminations show at night. The section gives guests with disabilities the opportunity to watch the show from the fence. The crowd outside of my ropes stands during the show, and if you are unable to stand then there is no way that you would be able to see the show from behind the crowd. Our PAC positions (there are four in Epcot) allow guests with disabilities to enjoy the show from the comfort of their chairs. I can't count how many nights I've had this position, but every time I do I'm thanked at least once by a guest who is unable to stand. And then they usually launch into a spiel filled with gratitude about how accessible Disney is. And I agree. I think it's amazing that we have so much hospitality for every type of person, and that Disney believed that anyone and everyone should be able to enjoy the facilities. Not just those who could stand it. Literally. 

There are no Stupid Questions - Or Are There?  5/9/10

I can not count how many times I have been standing at a Kim Possible cart, in my costume (grey cargo shorts, a black green and purple polyester top with the "Team Possible" logo, white socks, black sneakers and my Disney name tag reading "Courtney: Lynchburg College") and someone walks up to me and says exactly this: "Excuse me (looks at my name tag) Courtney, do you work here?". I really would like to say "No." at some point in time. I am sick and tired of all the stupid questions I get asked. I understand that Disney is a large place, but how can some people be so dense? I get asked often "Where is Disney?" and by now I know that what they are really meaning to ask is "Where is the Magic Kingdom?". See a lot of people reference our Disney here to be similar to the one in California. But they are actually very different. Just because there is a castle in The Magic Kingdom does not mean that it is the only Disney park in Florida. We have about fifty square miles here, with four parks, and countless resorts, golf courses, and other amenities. Walt Disney World is roughly the size of the city of San Francisco. But since Magic Kingdom has a castle just like Disney Land, people think that this is the only park we've got. I am so sick of the stupid questions. "Ma'am, what time is the three o'clock parade in Magic Kingdom?". You think I'm kidding but I'm dead serious. I've gotten that question at least five times since I got here. I don't know how people survive being so small minded and ill informed. I've also been asked about my own park. There are two parts to Epcot: Future World and the World Showcase. Future world holds the majority of the rides and attractions, while the Showcase has eleven pavilions representing different countries and is more culture oriented. When I set someone up in Future World for a mission in the German pavilion I got asked the weirdest question, and I will never forget it. The woman asked "Where is that?" which is a common question, so I explained to her how to get to the showcase and around to Germany. She still looked puzzled so I pulled out my map and showed her where we were and drew a route with my finger to where she was going. She then asked "Do I need a hopper pass to get to that park?". She thought that we had put two separate parks on the map. As if the maps aren't jumbled and confusing already, let's just go ahead and jam two into one map to save time and money and create confusion. Right. That's exactly what we did.   I am so confused as to how people think this way. With very little common sense. And I guess I would have been the same way to be honest. It's quite overwhelming, Disney, but I just wish people would think a little bit more before they open their mouths.  

Call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me... - Kim Possible Theme Song

The Kim Possible World Showcase Adventure  3/28/10

I can not believe I got a job that is so awesome! I'm working at the Kim Possible World Showcase Adventure. But to those who work there, it's just called KP. It's much easier to refer to the attraction as KP. I love it! I used to watch the show Kim Possible when I was a little younger while it was still on the Disney Channel. If you were to tell me that I would end up being a secret agent some day, I probably would have laughed. And now I can't imagine doing anything else. Out of everything there is to do at Disney when it comes to cast member positions, I think I was chosen for the perfect position. I don't know who interviewed me, but she chose the position that best suited my qualities and she was very right. The thing I like most about Kim Possible is how much it has to do with my major. I'm a marketing major and even though I'm not selling anything at KP, it still can be incorporated into marketing. Kim Possible is a high tech scavenger hun in the World Showcase countries in Epcot. An agent signs up for what we call a "mission pass" and that pass lets the agent know where and when to report for their mission. They will head into the showcase and find the field station listed on their pass and give the pass to one of the Kim Possible cast members. We then set the agent up with a "Kimmunicator". The Kimmunicator is a hand held device (cell phone) that gives the agent all of their hints and clues for their mission. It lets them know what country they are going to, shows them where to go in that country, makes special effects happen during the game, and then lets them know where to drop off their "Kimmunicator" when they are finished with their mission. Everything they need to know about their mission is in a little program on that phone. I have to sell this experience to guests in about thirty seconds or less at least seventy times in a day. The game is completely free, but if they find it boring the guests won't sign up. If no one signs up and we lose numbers, we lose the game and the cast members associated with it. I have been trained to sell this experience to guests every day and I really feel this has a lot to do with the sales portion of marketing. This makes me very happy because I can actually end up relating my paper and experience to marketing and not just business in general.

Stroller Parking 4/4/10

Lately I've started to notice the little things that we do to make guests happy, or their stay easier. One of these things is stroller parking. You would think it's very simple - park your strollers before going on rides or into buildings. But just in case guests don't quite understand that, we actually have people that do only that - stroller park. Stroller parking is a big deal around there. But I guess it isn't really the guest that matters in these things. Of course we care about them and these small things make their stay easier - but they are mostly for us. We park strollers so that they don't crowd the stores and rides and become a safety or fire hazard. At Kim Possible we do a few things that seem like they are for the convenience of the guests but really they are for the cast members. When I set someone up for a mission, I let them know that their mission is "Top secret" and they should find a hiding place away from the field station to get started. This makes the guest seem like a secret agent and they feel cool and get really into the attraction. But really... it simply gets them out of the way so that the next guest in line can be helped quickly. It's little things like this that help us move swiftly through our daily routines. There's not really much else going on this week except that I got my first GSF card. GSF stands for "Great Service Fanatic" and you get these cards when you do something exceptional at your work location. We had a lot of rowdy guests in our PAC (Parade Audience Control) positions today and the managers felt that all of the cast members working PAC should get a GSF. The GSF will go on my record card and will show that I've got some initiative and that I was recognized. It's actually pretty exciting. 

Details

Have you ever noticed how detailed Disney is? How much they take into account when coming up with a new project? In Epcot alone I can name many many things. First off, if you look at the Moroccan pavilion from the World Showcase Plaza area, you can see a very tall tower in the back. The building is blended to look Moroccan so that it won't disturb the presence of the Moroccan pavilion. In actuality, this tall building is the attraction "Tower of Terror" (which is my FAVORITE ride). The attraction is blended so that it can be in both Hollywood Studios and Epcot at the same time. Another example is "Soarin'". Soarin' is an attraction (ride) in Epcot where you go on a journey across the country in a hang glider. This involves a very high set theatre. The theatre can be seen behind the Canadian pavilion but is blended to look like mounds or mountains so that it doesn't stand out so much. It can be in both Future World and the World Showcase at the same time. Little things like this amaze me about Disney. If you go on a ride there is nothing out of place. There are props that people probably never turn to look at. But they are there - for those rare one or two people who actually care and actually want to see the props. I don't know how they do it, but Disney is full of geniuses who think of just about everything. I can't count how many times I've been surprised by the detail in a ride or attraction or show or just a prop. How they are all so authentic and quality made. I hope that if I come to design anything for myself - a business or commercial or anything productive - that I can put my mind to making it as perfect and authentic as possible. 

Just like Walt. Dream it. Do it. Live it. Disney.

There May Be Something There That Wasn't There Before - Beauty and the Beast

More of the Disney journal - because I really have nothing else on my mind lately. Just Disney. And getting work done for school - which this journal is definitely a large portion of my school work.

The Disney Look

Working for Disney has got to say something great on my resume. This week I learned a bit more about the Disney Look. I figured I knew what it was since I didn't ever get told that I looked wrong. But there is so much to the Disney Look it isn't even funny. My hair can't be two-toned, it has to be all one color. My shoes have to be polish-able, black, they can't be broken or ripped, or falling apart. My socks must be white with shorts and black with pants. I can't keep hair ties on my wrists. My name tag has to be in a very specific place (there's actually a spot on my shirt designated for my name tag. It's so crazy - but it makes perfect sense. Everyone needs to be uniform. Our costumes must make Disney look good. I can respect that, and I'm sure any other employer would, too. I have to come to work, look a certain way, speak a certain way (service basics), act a certain way, and be a certain person. I can't lean on anything, if I want water the bottle has to look a specific way and go in a specific place on my costume. Everything is pre planned and must happen a certain way. I can't believe how well Disney has done. Well actually, I can believe it. I'm just still quite overwhelmed with this entire place. The Disney Company is going to look great on my resume. I feel like it says that I have some sort of self control, respect, guest service experience, and a lot of other things that I've learned from Disney that I can't find anywhere else. An employer looking at that has got to know how reputable Disney is and hopefully that will get my foot in the door at somewhere nice. I've been thinking a lot lately and I'm not sure if I want to come back to Disney or not when I'm finished with school, but it's definitely an option. I'm hoping to go seasonal when I'm finished here on the program. That will at least give me some of my perks like getting into the parks free and my discounts, and then I will still be with the company if I choose to come back full time as a front-line cast member and try to work my way up the latter. However, I don't think I want to do this forever. A lot of front-line cast members get stuck in front-line and don't really move up. Plus I'm not sure I want to be on my feet for long hours every day and work outside. I know what I want in my life and it is not a job where I stand outside and pretend to like my job every day. So we'll see.

The Disney Point (And other guest service techniques)

Guest service has easily become the biggest deal to me lately. Other than making sure I'm on time for work, having the right costume on, remembering my name tag, and everything else that I can think of, guest service is the top notch on my list. I'm polite to people even when I'm not in costume because it is so drilled into my head. This week I tried to take notice of guest service techniques. I looked really closely to not only how I was acting toward guests but how other cast members interacted with guests. I don't know if it's because I'm still new or what, but it really seems like the majority of cast members here are happy with their jobs. I like mine so far, and that helps me be a positive person during the day.  I love using nick names for the kids. I don't know how many little girls I call "Princess" in a day or how many little boys I call "dude" or "buddy". It's so much fun because they know we're talking to them. It's a service technique that makes the kids happy, which makes the parents happy. Another thing that I love that keeps the kids happy is kneeling. When we speak to children we always kneel so that we are at their eye level. That way, they know we are talking to them directly and we know that they are big enough to understand what we're saying. And even if they aren't it makes them feel special to be acknowledged. I get the pleasure of working with kids the majority of the day. At Kim Possible we get a lot of kids that want to be secret agents and it gives me the chance to make their day that much more special by turning them into agents and sending them on missions. Moving on to the adults is the easy part once you have the kids involved. Most of the time when a family is on vacation, if the kids are happy the parents are happy. And that's really all that matters. We just want everyone to have a positive experience. At Disney we have what's called the "No Strings Attached" policy. No strings means basically just that. If a guest spills their drink right after they get it, we can give them a new one free. If a child happens to throw up on their clothing, we can get them something free to cover up their kids so the child doesn't have to be in soiled clothing the rest of the day. I really like this policy considering how much things cost at Disney. And because I know that the company can most likely afford it, so I don't feel bad using no strings when necessary, but not over using it or taking advantage of it. There are so many different guest service techniques but these are the ones that have stuck out the most to me lately because they are the ones I have had to deal with so far.

Preserving The Magic

There is nothing better in Disney than Magic. The princesses, the characters in general, all of the movies and music and shows and rides and lights and everything are all part of the magic. My favorite question of all time is "How many Mickeys are there in the parks?". Our answer? One. There is only one Mickey Mouse and one Minnie and one Donald and one Goofy and so on. Because that's part of the magic. You will never find two of the same characters in the same space. You will also find that the back stories to a lot of the rides and shows are so elaborate that they are completely believable. Especially if you are a nine year old girl with a wild imagination. I am not nine, but boy do I let my imagination run wild when it comes to Disney. In Disney's Animal Kingdom there is a Safari ride. If you ask any cast member, the Safari is about two weeks long. The ride itself is about twenty or thirty minutes because the Safari has to be cut short due to "poachers". But I think it is amazing that they automatically tell you that the Safari is two weeks long. The looks on some people's faces are hilarious. It's so completely believable because the cast members stay in character and play their parts well.  As a Kim Possible agent I have to be able to think quickly on my feet because kids come up with the craziest questions. I've been asked so many random questions so far. They ask where certain characters from the show are and why they can't show up in person. A lot of kids as why all the villains came to Epcot at once. I've been asked before if the villains knew they were taking over a fake country. There are so many different things that I've had to make up to answer these questions. And if our carts are down I have to tell guests that "Dr. Drakken took over our field stations so the Kimmunicators aren't working" all the time. It's so wild how many themes things people come up with. We've been fed so many Kim Possible lines that I feel like I could answer almost anything. This week we've had a lot of issues so I've been dealing with having to come up with the most random excuses on my feet. I love how the princesses act, too. I took a few pictures with princesses this week on my days off and Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) asked me why my prince wasn't escorting me, and Jasmine asked me if I could grant a wish what would it be? My answer was being able to travel anywhere and she thought very quickly and said "Well all you need is a magic carpet and then you'll still have your wish left.". It was so incredible. Even though I know they aren't real and they're being fed these lines and being paid to be there - in the moment it feels so real. I feel like I'm really talking to a princess. I also like how they introduce themselves - like we don't already know who they are. Mulan introduced herself to me "What's your name? Oh hello, my name is Mulan." I felt so special, and then she asked to take a picture with me so that it was her getting to meet the special person, not the other way around. They have a great way of making guests feel really great and I love it. 

Part of Your World - The Little Mermaid

Who knew that this could be so easy and so hard all at the same time?

Here Comes the Big Bad Full-Time Job

Who ever knew that working so much could be so hard? Oh wait, lots of people. I can't believe that I thought working at Subway was hard. I barely even have time to think right now, let alone write. I'm still trying to get the hang of living on my own and buying my own groceries and learning the bus schedule and my work schedule (which is CRAZY!) and everything else thrown in the mix. Anytime I call my parents it's always on a break or something which is weird because at school I call my parents once a day at the very least. Here I only get a chance to call them once every few days. I'm still trying hard to work on time management but it's a bit difficult. Luckily I work at a park where the bus only goes to that park and the four apartment complexes. Some of the busses go to a park and a resort and costuming and the four complexes. So my bus comes once every half hour or less which is s helpful because I don't have to leave the house two hours early like some people do just to get to work on time. I worked about 43 hours this week. If you think they ease you into this, you're wrong. I've definitely been thrown to the sharks without so much as a stick to bat them away. I have no idea where I got the idea that working so much would be good. But I do like the fact that I can explore the parks as much as I want and as often as I am able for free. I get into all of the parks for free and I get tons of discounts. I even got a discount on my work shoes at the Reebok outlet. There are so many places where cast members get discounts around here that you wouldn't even consider. I get cheap tickets to movies, mini golf, regular golf, resorts, food, merchandise... you name it, I probably get it. I also found out that I get complimentary tickets. I have 18 tickets total, sort of. I am able to get up to three people into the park at a time, six times. So if I use it to my full advantage I can get 18 tickets out of it. But anyway, this week has been hard. I've had so much walking and it's actually sort of cold here, which is weird. I come home exhausted and do nothing but sleep. But I'm hoping that this will ease when I get used to the routine of 40+ hours a week. I'd rather not be exhausted all the time. Hopefully I can check out some parks soon.

What Happened to Florida Being The "Sunshine" State?

Okay, so is it ever going to get warm here? I'm sure I'll regret thinking that eventually, but for now I'm using hand warmers and wearing long sleeves, pants, and heavy navy jackets at work. I find this quite odd at the moment, because it's February and March is coming very soon and I know that it isn't supposed to be scorching but I at least thought it would be a bit warmer than home. I keep hearing that this is the worst winter that Florida has had in a very long time. It even snowed before I showed up here. I'm just surprised that's all. We are having what is called the Flower and Garden Festival very soon and I'm sort of scared that the topiaries and random plants that will be put out in the park will die. But I'm sure that Disney has looked into that and has much more information about the plants and weather than I do and they'll take care of it. I've started to notice so much more now that I'm not trying to stop my head from spinning with confusion every time a guest asks me a question. I'm a bit more acclimated, and this is actually starting to feel very normal. I visited a few parks this week and I've been noticing our Disney Service Basics EVERYWHERE. The Service Basics are like Disney cast member's ten commandments. Although there are only four basics: I am courteous and respectful to all guests, including children; I project a positive image and energy; I stay in character and play the part; I go above and beyond. I find the last one quite amusing considering it's our motto at Lynchburg College. I'm pretty excited about that connection, it's calming. I also got to remove my "Earning My Ears" ribbon today, which is a big deal for me! While I am earning my ears, I am still technically training. The ribbon lets guests know that I can try my hardest to help them out, but I'm still gathering my bearings and please bear with me if I can't immediately help you. It's nice because guests will be more patient when asking questions, and some even ask you questions directly to help you with the learning process and give some practice. I'm really excited to know more about Disney as a company, Epcot as a park, and the College Program as a whole.

Be Our Guest - Beauty and the Beast

Here's some more Disney for you.

Traditions

Wow, traditions. I guess there is so much more to Disney than I have ever though possible. Traditions is a new cast member class that every single cast member has to go through before even beginning training at their position. I found out this week that I am going to be working at the Kim Possible Show Case Adventure in Epcot. My mom was surprised to find out that Disney had not one park, but four. She asked what part of "Disney" Epcot was in, and I had to explain to her that Epcot was it's own park completely. It's so wonderful how expansive this place is. I never imagined something as spectacular. But I'm so overwhelmed still. I have no idea how to get myself through Epcot, never mind the other three parks and all of the resorts and water parks and golf courses, and everything that is Disney. During Traditions we get this little booklet to help guide us through the class so that we still have the information handy when we go home. It's just like a class at school (even though it's seminar-style). I feel like I'm going home with a lot of studying and homework to do before my first day of actual work. Let me describe some of Traditions just because it was so wonderful. We have a bus that takes us there, of course. So I got on the bus and rode through Orlando in "style" but I'm sure the Traditions bus is the best bus that the College Program offers so that the parents get the right impression of course. As I got off the bus I was greeted by a very large building called our Casting Center. The Casting Center is perfect. It's for new Cast Members and for existing Cast Members to learn about their jobs and new positions and everything you could think of that leads to a job. The front of the building has two doors that look like they jumped out of Alice in Wonderland. The door knobs were huge with a face on them. I think Disney is trying to let the newbies know that we're entering a world that will flip our lives all around and we have absolutely no idea what we're in for. And I completely agree. I'm so scared to be here still, and after Traditions I really want to live up to Disney's standards. I want to jump into this new world, acclimate myself, and just be comfortable. I also want to keep a good reputation with the Walt Disney Company, and I can already tell that that is going to take so much work. There are so many guest-service techniques that I need to learn and use. And there are so many rules to this whole thing. We have a point system for attendance, a Service Basics lesson to learn, and a whole lot more on the agenda. I'll make sure to soak up all of the information that I can like a sponge. Traditions also teaches us about the company in general, not just our jobs. We learned when each park opened (I can't remember off the top of my head), and a lot about Walt and Roy Disney. We learned how Mickey Mouse came to be, and how Walt lived his life before Mickey. We also learned what all Disney is involved in. It's not just Disney. Disney owns many other things like ABC, ESPN, and a bunch of other stuff that I can't remember off the top of my head. And I'm not positive if we OWN those things, but I know that we have something to do with them. I know that Disney is involved in a whole lot more than I expected. I'm genuinely surprised that Disney does not rule the world by now, or at least the U.S. But do they? That might be a good paper topic. Disney Rules The World. How does that sound? I'll keep it on the back burner for now and see what else I can come up with.

Training

I have no idea what I'm doing. Let's be completely honest here. There are so many rules and regulations that I have to stick with. I've got two ID's. One for work and one for my housing complex and I need both to do anything. I need both to get on a bus, to get into a building, to clock in, anything. I had my first day of training today. My trainer's name is Blake and he makes me feel super uncomfortable. I had to get my costume today and he just sort of assumed that I knew what I was doing. I had no idea what to look for, what size to get, how many of what I needed... nothing. I had no clue what I was doing. And then he kept forgetting that I'd never been to the park before and tried to let me answer guest questions. I went through what is called "Discovery Day" which is sort of an extension of Traditions, and you go with a group of people and a guide through the park where you work. Traditions is for everyone, Discover Day is just for Epcot. It's called something different for each park. But anyway, it was...weird? We got to ride Spaceship Earth which is a ride INSIDE of the Epcot ball! INSIDE THE BALL! That's so exciting, I didn't know there was anything in there, let alone a ride! It was a very slow moving ride all about the evolution of technology and it was so interesting and pretty awesome. So after a long walk through the park (both Future World and the World Showcase - which is 1.2 miles around) we learned a little here and there about it all. I learned that one must be a particular nationality to work in the World Showcase. For example, if you wanted to work in the German pavilion in the Showcase, you must be a German citizen or born in Germany. Disney is so authentic, I had no idea. I also learned that there are only three ATM's -THREE- in all of Epcot, and one of them isn't even in the park. There is one outside of the park, one in Future World and one in the American pavilion in the World Showcase. Only three. I don't really understand why there aren't more, but I'm sort of glad that there aren't because I feel like that says that Disney isn't completely about money. They are okay without, and are more interested in being authentic and making magic for the guests rather than being worried about making the sales that they may need to make. I really like that about Disney. Of course their prices are high - it's a theme park - but you don't need money for absolutely every little thing. There are these things called Kit Cots in Epcot and children get this little mask and a cut out from each country and they can decorate it however they'd like. And it's free. It's fun, crafty, free, and it helps children learn a little about each of the pavilions. It also helps the kids to want to be in those countries so they aren't so boring and the parents can look around. Disney may not flaunt their shops, but man are there tons of them. And with a shop in every direction, people are sure to end up spending some kind of money. I like their approach. They are there but they are not pushy. And they also carry items that guests are interested in and probably can't get anywhere else. Disney is special and original in many ways and this is just one that I have recognized so far.

A Whole New World - Aladdin

So I have this journal that I've been keeping for Disney and I want to share a little bit of it each day. This is what I have so far (This is from back in January) and it will work it's way up to current day all the way until the end of my program.



The Road to Disney

How in this great wide world did I end up here? Since when did I want to live in Florida and be part of this huge company? I guess always. I've always wanted to do something different from everyone else. So I looked into all sorts of things and decided on this. The Disney College Program is a program that Disney has put together both in California and Florida. I chose Florida because it's at least on the East Coast and closer to home. I've received an offer to work in Attractions at Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida. And honestly I have no idea what that even means. I've never been to Florida. Well... I have been to Florida but I was ten years old and went to Universal Studios. So I guess I've just never been to Disney World. So I have no idea what to expect from here. I don't know what "Attractions" even means. Is that a ride or a show or a game or what? I hope that it's a ride because I would love to learn about some of the mechanics of rides. I really always wanted to know how roller coasters work and everything like that. But what if it's a show that I have to watch over and over and over all day long? What if I hate it? I guess for now I'm stuck where I am because I can't really take it back now. I have to go to Florida and do this Internship Program and get it over with. This should be exciting...

Check-In

This week was check-in. I have no idea how to describe it here. I guess it's just like my first day of anything - I'm busy taking in every sound and sight. Way too busy to remember why I'm actually here. The flight was ... scary. This was my first plane ride ever and I came here alone and didn't really know what to expect. Luckily I have some friends that wanted to guide me through the whole thing. I'm so glad for that too, because I'm really not sure what I would have done if I didn't know that the plane would sound so loud and scary. Anyway, I feel like an adult here. Not an adult that just left for college and will see her mom and dad every now and then - no, a real adult. And I'm not sure if that makes much sense but it's the truth. I got on a plane, took a shuttle, and checked into a hotel all by myself. With my own money and ID. It's empowering to know that I can actually do these things. After my first night in a hotel alone I took a cab over to the housing complex where I need to check in. It's called Vista Way in Lake Buena Vista in Orlando. I know it's a lot to remember but I've been studying this place in preparation for months now. It was really scary and exciting all at the same time. I met this girl Sophia today who I've talked to online and we decided to room together in an apartment with 4 others. So we're staying in a 3 bedroom apartment with 6 people, and let me tell you - it is SMALL. That's alright though, I'm used to sharing space just like at school. And since I flew I didn't really pack very much. Anyway, the check-in process was very smooth. I got here around 8:30am and got into line with Sophia and we just followed instructions. I got this booklet that tells me all about the apartment complexes and the rules and where to find what. They are very thorough with us. We had the day to get settled and put things away and then we start Traditions (which is the beginning of training and EVERY Disney Cast Member participates in Traditions) and learn were we work and how to get there and everything else. We also have busses for everything. There is a full bus schedule just for CP's (that's what they call the College Programmers) that will take us anywhere on Disney property and to hot spots like Wal Mart, the post office, and essential other places. I don't really know what I think about it here. I just know that it is beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. But cold. I'm very surprised with how cold it is here but I guess it will get warmer as the months pass.

These Laundry Machines Look Familiar (Comparing Disney to LC)

So far I don't see too much of a difference between here and LC. The rooms are small and cramped, all the neighbors are loud, and the laundry machines are the exact same. I have a laundry card that looks quite similar to the one I need for school and I find it a bit entertaining because it seems like I'm still there sometimes. Minus the fact that I know no one here. I don't really have much experience with making new friends. I did that my freshman year of college and it sort of just flowed from there, but I haven't had to introduce myself to anyone new in a very long time. As outgoing as I can be, when it comes to new people I am probably the most shy and awkward person you've ever seen. I can't usually keep it together when it comes to talking about myself to a new person. I am very nervous about starting work and getting into the swing of things. Everyone that I've met so far has already been here before and I have not. I've never been to Disney World and I don't really know how to navigate myself around here. It seems that everyone knows all about all four of the parks and what rides they want to work at and which characters are where. I feel so lost in this new place. Disney is so popular, I sort of forget how big it is because it's always been incorporated in my every day life. I don't really know how to stop and just sort of take a look around and see how everything is shaped from the ground up. I know this sort of seems like I'm rambling but it all makes perfect sense to me.  Orlando and Lynchburg share a lot in common in my mind. They are both new and beautiful places with thousands of new people. And I have no idea what I'm doing here. But things worked out so well in Lynchburg that I'm hoping the same will happen here in Florida. I know that I can make it through this. And even though I don't know anyone yet, I'm hoping things turn out well here and I can make some great friends and learn some great lessons.

Who You Are Without Me - Kate Voegele

This week has been so crazy. My throat hurts REALLY bad, I'm cramping (finally), and I've been having terrible headaches. I'm not sure I'm going to make it all the way through these next few weeks. I've only got two months left and if I can make it through this then I know I can do anything. I had a friend tell me a few weeks ago that he was surprised that I was even still here because I have no follow through. I'm great at making goals and having good ideas but terrible about actually doing it. And I want to prove him wrong. As bad as that seems, it's the truth. I want to shove it in his face that I can fucking do something. I can set a goal and reach it and do it without bitching or complaining or without wanting to give up. I want to do this. But I'm not really sure if I can. I'm so scared that I'm going to pass out at work or something it is SO fucking hot here. I don't know if I can take it. I would be so much better at this if I didn't have to work outside all damn day. But I do. My entire job is outside in the summer heat in the smack dab middle of summer in Florida. And I am not okay with that. I'm not working out as a cast member here. But I want to do this so that I can say that I did. I finished the program, I did it on my own, I didn't back out, I'm not a coward, I can do this. Plus if I quit or get fired I lose everything I've worked for this semester. I lose all of my credits and I lose all of the personal progress that I've made since I got here. And this experience is worth so much more than a few memories. If I can finish this program and then become seasonal and stay with the company then I could get so many more perks than I could ever imagine. I work for Disney and I look good and I did it. Me. On my own. No one else. No one is here to help me out, my parents haven't been helping me with money, nothing. I did this. And he can fucking shove it.

I'm going to be just fine on my own after college. I've been worrying about it a lot lately and I can't believe that I have because as long as I have a job I will be just fucking fine and I won't need anyone's help. I just want people to believe in me. I want my friends to believe that I have potential and that I can go somewhere and do something with my life. I can't stand knowing that I'm a failure. Not just to myself, but I'm a failure according to the people who love me too. I can't keep a job, or a promise, or a man. But I can keep weight really well. I can't lose that shit to save my life. But I joined up with Weight Watchers again to see if I could do it this time. I really do want to lose weight and I know I need to. And I need to do it the right way. Slowly and healthily. And I kinda feel like if I don't do that now, then I never will. And I will always have to settle for someone who is okay with my size but who never finds me completely beautiful. Someone who is just alright. Damnit, just because I'm fatter than half the world doesn't mean that I deserve to be loved less. And that makes me mad too because I feel like I would have been married by now had it not been for my weight. Fucking dicks. I hate men. But I fucking hate women too. Everyone is just a fucking dick. Period. I'm fucking beautiful and if you don't see that then you can fucking shove it.
That's all.

Story For Supper - Lydia

I usually only write when I'm mad or upset or anything like that and when I have a million things to say. This time is a bit different. I don't really have anything to say I just want something to do. I leave for work in about an hour and lately I've been so bored that all I do is sleep and that can not be good for me. So this is me trying to be productive.
My daily routine is pretty predictable. I get up, lay in bed for a while (maybe turn on some music) and then I go make breakfast, get ready for work, and then work for the day. This is how life would be if I lived alone. But luckily I have the added benefit of being able to share a lot of my mornings, nights, and days off with my wonderful roommate. I don't know what I would do here without her. She's so great and definitely keeps me in tact.
Anyway, I know this is probably the most random thing I've ever written (this particular blog entry, not this sentence) but I'm so angry with Sprint as a phone provider. I get great service with them usually, but every single one of my phones have broken after just a year. And I can't figure out if it's me or the phone that is messing up because it's always the charging port on the phone. Oh well.
Okay, so legit... I'm sure I had something to say when I started this. I guess I'm just lonely today and feel like I want to talk to someone who will actually listen. So that's usually when the computer comes into play. My good old computer never lets me down - but that's just because he doesn't really have the choice. I wish I had someone to talk to lately. Just anybody. It's so weird how one day I don't want anything to do with anyone and then the next all I want to do is talk to people. Any people. GAH.

I think I need to vent about work some, too. But I'm not sure if I should do that here.


"So tell me what did you do those three days you were dead, 'cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend." - Jesus Christ by Brand New

Savior - Rise Against

So apparently crying helps. I spent my entire day yesterday crying and yelling at people and fighting, and today I feel close to perfect. I'm a little tired, but I don't think that's going to go away any time soon. I'm still thinking about suicide all the time, but I really don't think it's going to become an issue. I don't know if I want to kill myself or if I just like knowing all the different ways to in case it becomes an issue one day. I just like to be over prepared. I know that that is really weird, but it's just how I am. I found out yesterday that the attitude I used to have in high school is definitely still buried in me somewhere. I thought that it was gone, but obviously it isn't.
We got a new apartment and were in the process of moving and one of my house mates threw away an entire cake that I baked. She just decided that it was bad. She didn't bother to ask or anything, even though she knew I was heading over to get the rest of my stuff that day. And as trivial as that is, it was the last fucking straw. I couldn't take it anymore and I just started yelling at her and crying and I don't really know what happened to be honest. It was just a cake, I know that. But that isn't the point. If anyone knows anything at all about me, you know for a fact that you DO NOT touch my things. Anything that belongs to me. I freak out easily. You don't touch my phone or computer or car or iPod or food or anything that belongs to me. It really bothers me when someone is that disrespectful. And so it wasn't really about the cake it was more about the fact that she always takes things that aren't hers and eats food that doesn't belong to her and tries to make rules for all of us like she is our mother. I am a fucking adult, shove your rules up your ass and save them for someone who cares. I make my own rules for me. I clean up after myself in the common areas of the house, so the way I run my life and the way my room looks is not up to you. It is up to me.
God, she just fucking pisses me off. People who try to run the lives of others piss me off in general and she doesn't know how to shut the fuck up and live her own life.

On a different note - I wish I knew how to have a conversation that is somewhat controversial without getting so fucking angry. I have such a temper and I wish I knew how to make it go away. But I don't. I get offended way too easily. I yell and scream and cry at the stupidest things. And when people are trying to help me I'm just a fucking jerk and it's going to make all of my friends leave me and I know it. But I can't control myself and I don't know why. I hate myself so fucking much. I also hate that this is the only place in the world that I can go to to vent. I can't talk to my friends about how I feel because if I do they only see the bad and I look like this negative person who hates life. And honestly that's who I am but I'm trying to be someone else. So I'm trying to get out all of the negativity here and save my friends for the positive parts of life.
UGH.
Life is so confusing. What is the fucking point? Can't I just go home??

The Adventure - Angels And Airwaves

So it's been a while. Things are better, and things are worse. Things are better because the best friend and I are back to speaking and back to being actual friends. I got to go home for a few days and leave Disney to visit Virginia and see graduation. Spent a lot of times with my greatest friends, saw some really cool people, had a really good time. And everything is better.

But everything is worse.
Now that I went to visit I want to be there all the time. My program ends in a few months and I'm getting pretty excited about it. But I'm ready to go now, ya know? I'm ready to pack up my car and drive back to Virginia. But I don't at the same time. Everything is so confusing.

I recently looked into bipolar depression because I think I have it. I think that that would explain everything . I'm always so fucking moody and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being super happy and then something happens and I'm crying. It takes about a second for my mood to go from ten to zero. I still think about killing myself a lot. I think about how the world would look without me in it. A friend of mine recently asked me if I thought people would be happier without me around and I told him no, but I lied. I think there are a lot of people who I wouldn't bother anymore. I wouldn't be a bitch to anymore, I wouldn't hurt anymore. There are a lot of people who would probably be very happy with me gone. And that fact - that people get frustrated with me, that I've hurt people - that little bit is enough to make me feel like I want to run my car off a bridge, or swallow a bottle of pills, or drown myself, or cut myself in the shower until all of my blood runs out of my body and I'm found a day later.

But it's the fact that there are a couple people who actually care for me that keeps me here. But I only stay for them. Not for me. And that is what needs to change. I need to start living for me, living to make me happy, not to make others happy. Because if I can't find a purpose for myself sometime soon I'm going to stop trying to make everyone else happy too. I want to be happy, and I want to be happy on my own. I don't want to have to date someone to make me happy or to make me feel worthy of something. I don't want someone to call me to remember that I'm wanted in this world. I should know already, and I don't. And I don't know how to figure it out.

I wish tat this pain would go away. I always want to cry and scream and be alone and just not deal with people. And it won't leave. I can't do it. But I know if I tell someone I'll be cared for and looked after and I hate that shit. Stop pretending like you care just so if I kill myself you don't have to feel like it's your fault. If I did kill myself it would be to make me happy, not to make others sad. So don't give yourself so much credit.

Wall Named God

Staring at chalk-white
It's the darkest of nights.
Your features are hard to distinguish
From here you don't quite look right.

Words start pouring out
Every sentence more intense than the last.
Tears drench my face
As I try to take away my past.

Apologies are what I think you want
But you give no recognition.
Was that a nodded acceptance
Or am I having a vision?

Please forgive
Please forget.
I've never been sorrier
For the things I regret.

I hope you accept this as a prayer
No matter how late, can I find you there?
Tucked in bed, I feel a bit odd
Praying to this wall that I've named God.

Note to God - Charice

How do I feel about God?

That's a very intense question. I know that pain and suffering bring about understanding, but does there have to be SO much? In the world, in a community, in a family, in a relationship, in just one person's life? There is so much pain in the world, so much hate and so much bad. But there is also a lot of good going on out there. But do we praise that? Do we look at all of the good things going on in the world and say "This is a wonderful place to be"? No. We look at all the anger and hate and crime and say "This world will cave in on itself.". 

But people tell me to trust fate. Trust God. He'll lead you in the right direction. Will He? Who is He? What does He do? I have been to a few different types of churches, and I've read parts of the Bible, and I respect the efforts and all, but I personally think a lot of it is fable. A lot of what is said in the Bible refers to the day it was written in, not now. And no one really follows it anymore. A very few amount of people follow their own rules. And I get confused and don't really know what to believe.

But religion and God are two completely different topics.

Do I believe in God? Yeah, I do. I think he's up there, he exists. We had to form from somewhere, and a lot of scientists can say that we evolved from the animals that came before us in a world that was shaped out of space and the universe... but were did all that come from? Where did it start? Someone had to do it. There has got to be a reason for our existence. 

So if I believe in God and I know he is out there and I know that I want him to be part of my life, what is my next step? I want to talk to him, so I pray sometimes. But do I need to go to church? Should I pick a religion, or can I just say "Yeah, I know God. I talk to him when I can and live my life as well as possible."? I would love to just go through life talking to God on my own time on my own terms. I don't want to have to be part of a religion for someone to take me seriously about my relationship with God. And I want him to know how much I appreciate all of the good things in my life that I know wouldn't have happened without him. But how do I do that if I don't know if he is listening? I talk, but how will I know he gets the message? I have very little faith in my own words and actions, but I don't want to become part of something that I don't believe in just so I feel like he can hear me better. 

A church always makes my prayers seem more real. Sitting in my bed talking to my wall and naming it "God" doesn't make it Him. So how do I know that he's getting it? How do I know he can hear me and that he understands my pain? I just want some kind of confirmation, some sort of evidence. It is very hard for me to believe things that I can not see. But I'm trying to have faith. And I'm trying to rely on the silence that calms my thoughts after having these one-sided conversations. But it's very difficult.

So God... this is my note to you.

What do I do now?

Never Say Never - The Fray

I don't really know what is going on anymore. I'm angry all the time and tired when I'm not angry and tired and angry, and sad a lot, and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to say that I'm depressed because I don't know if I am or not. And this is just so fucking much to handle. I can't take being in this new place, having all of this new stuff happening, and losing all of my old stuff all at the same time. It isn't fair. I specifically said I didn't want to come here and lose everyone and everything at home. And what's been happening? I'm here in Florida, losing everything I've worked for in Virginia. Is it worth it? No. Nothing is worth losing great friends. So how do I turn this all around? They keep telling me I need to change, but I can't change for them. I won't do it. I won't let them dictate to me how I need to be. I like who I am, the only thing making me unhappy is the fact that everyone is telling me how and who to be because they don't like me. Well if you don't like me then fuck you. That's not my problem, it's yours.


On another note, my grandma is out of the hospital which makes me really happy. She's going on a trip to visit my aunt and uncle for a week to scope out apartments closer to them. I am so happy that she's going to be closer to family. I miss her and want to be able to see her again. It sucks that they are so far away, but it's good to know that she is alright. 


I wish I knew what to do about my life right now. Like I said it's wonderful and really crappy at the same time. There are all of these new things to deal with and I really don't know how. I don't know what to do, who to talk to, or what to say. It seems like everyone I talk to is talking to everyone else behind my back and it isn't really fair. Everyone is informed except for me. So I feel like I can't really trust anyone anymore. I hate this. I hate having to talk to a computer that doesn't give me answers. Having to type away all of my feelings because I don't have a friend I can go to. I've got so much to say and so much to figure out still and none of it works out in my head. Not one thing fits, because it went from great to shit in the matter of hours. And all these things that I didn't know my "friends" were feeling about me came out into the open. I want to say everything I'm thinking to them, but that would ruin everything. I'm so upset and so angry and I just want to say the meanest things. But someone pointed out to me that every time we fight, the fight becomes about me and my feelings. And that person is correct.  I talk about my feelings a lot, and don't really wait for the other person to speak up. But if you don't tell me how you're feeling and don't offer up the information, how am I supposed to know it exists? How am I supposed to know that this situation hurts you if you don't tell me? I can't read your mind. I don't know. You think that I should assume that you're sad we aren't friends, but when you tell me that you don't care, or couldn't care less, or are focused on other things, that leads me to believe that YOU DON'T CARE. Huh, I wonder why. You are SO confusing and SO frustrating and you make me want to scream and cry and cut and so much more. But I won't. I won't do it. Because if I'm not worth your time you're not fucking worth mine. You don't want to talk or work it out or anything. So why the hell should I care? What am I supposed to do? Be waiting for you when you're ready to stop being a dick? I don't think so. You're acting just like the people you try to keep me away from. And it isn't fair that I have to change and you don't. There are plenty of things about you that I'm fed up with, but that doesn't mean I'm just going to give up on you and our friendship. It means that I'm gonna deal and try and accept you how you are.


I wish you took your own advice.

Vanilla Twilight - Owl City

So another long night is over with. Off of work, and off for a day. Today went by really quickly but it sucked hardcore. I miss home so much today and I just can not wait to go and visit. It's been really silent today. Like... I deleted all of my texts so that if no one texted me today I would know. And not many people did. I've been trying really hard all day not to text anyone because I don't want to bother anyone. I keep getting my days mixed up and I forgot it was Sunday so while I was busy trying not to text anyone during class... no one is sitting in class right now. It's so confusing here I never know which way is up. I miss my friends so much right now I have no idea what I'm going to do.

Right now I would really just love to sit down and cry and it's completely impossible because I just have zero alone time. And sometimes I don't mind that so much but right now I just want to be able to break down and cry and all of my friends from home aren't here to help me. And my main friend isn't even my friend anymore. What do I do about that? We aren't speaking and every time we do we argue or something stupid and I'm sick of it! I just want to know what's happening. Like everything happened so quickly that I really am not sure if I even know what's going on. And things like that really bug me. Not knowing how my life ended up where it is now really bothers the living crap out of me. I just want to know how I got where I am.

Today life sucks. I'm tired, bored, lonely, depressed, and forgotten.

Stay - Days Difference

So I don't know what to do right now. Everything is great, but everything sucks. All at the same time. If you look at my life just in Florida, it's wonderful. I love working at Disney. I love my job, my friends, my roommate, the whole set up. It's so great. But then if you forget all that and think about everything I'm missing at home, it's too much. I miss my friends, my family, my sorority sisters, my best friend who never wants to speak to me again. I miss them all. I miss everything about LC and I miss having people physically there for me. And so I wonder - is this just me being homesick? Is this finally what being homesick feels like that? Or is there more to it? Am I not strong enough to do this on my own and to deal with being lonely? I don't really know anymore.

About three weeks ago now I made the biggest mistake a girl can make, and I told someone I loved them. Well, that all blew up in my face. Of course. And now that someone is not talking to me. That person is probably better off without me, and that is very scary. I'm scared that this person will be a better person without me and I'm scared that my friendship to them did not mean as much to them as their friendship meant and still means to me. I have felt like a bad person for a while now and all I can think of is that I'm still doing so poorly that my own friends don't even want anything to do with me. And of course I gave this person the ultimate excuse. They never have to speak to me again and I wouldn't blame them if they didn't. But God does it suck. I miss this person terribly. As a person, not as someone I love romantically. But as a friend. It feels like someone has died. A loss, if you will. And I don't really know what to do from here. I can't try and fix it because I'm not there in person. But if I were, would I want to push that? Or just give them space? Space seems to be the answer here, but it is so very difficult. I've been so used to speaking to this person every day almost for years, and now that's all gone and I feel like they hate me. And to top it off, they are showing zero emotion. And that hurts me the most. The fact that it was THAT easy to just say "Okay, I'm done. It was a good run. Goodbye.". I could never do that to someone.

But I've been reading this book lately. It's called "Codependent No More" and it helps me see some of my issues from the outside. The clinging and the attention grabbing nature that I possess. And I understand. But that doesn't make it much easier. I'll admit I'm not the easiest person to like. But I didn't think it would be that easy for someone to just up and walk away. And I'm sad. I'm really sad about it all. It's been hard to eat and sleep, and I've been losing and gaining weight daily and rapidly. I'll lose a few pounds then gain it all back by the end of the week and it's ridiculous and probably very unhealthy. I just don't know how to deal right now and I'm trying to find an out. Which is why I've labeled my blog "Write in ink - not blood", because that's exactly what I'm trying to do right now.

Ugh, I just wish there was an easier way. But of course, life isn't fair. We all deal with loss. I'm not the only one. And in a year, this will all seem pretty silly, and I'm making it much more complicated than it needs to be. I'm just upset, and don't really know what else to do from here. I guess that's really my issue right now. And it's the only thing going on in my head. Trying to find a resolution for all of this. Maybe it will come in time. But until then, I don't want to lose the rest of my friends from this one mistake. So if you guys are out there reading this please know that I love you and I'm so thankful for you.