Stay - Days Difference

So I don't know what to do right now. Everything is great, but everything sucks. All at the same time. If you look at my life just in Florida, it's wonderful. I love working at Disney. I love my job, my friends, my roommate, the whole set up. It's so great. But then if you forget all that and think about everything I'm missing at home, it's too much. I miss my friends, my family, my sorority sisters, my best friend who never wants to speak to me again. I miss them all. I miss everything about LC and I miss having people physically there for me. And so I wonder - is this just me being homesick? Is this finally what being homesick feels like that? Or is there more to it? Am I not strong enough to do this on my own and to deal with being lonely? I don't really know anymore.

About three weeks ago now I made the biggest mistake a girl can make, and I told someone I loved them. Well, that all blew up in my face. Of course. And now that someone is not talking to me. That person is probably better off without me, and that is very scary. I'm scared that this person will be a better person without me and I'm scared that my friendship to them did not mean as much to them as their friendship meant and still means to me. I have felt like a bad person for a while now and all I can think of is that I'm still doing so poorly that my own friends don't even want anything to do with me. And of course I gave this person the ultimate excuse. They never have to speak to me again and I wouldn't blame them if they didn't. But God does it suck. I miss this person terribly. As a person, not as someone I love romantically. But as a friend. It feels like someone has died. A loss, if you will. And I don't really know what to do from here. I can't try and fix it because I'm not there in person. But if I were, would I want to push that? Or just give them space? Space seems to be the answer here, but it is so very difficult. I've been so used to speaking to this person every day almost for years, and now that's all gone and I feel like they hate me. And to top it off, they are showing zero emotion. And that hurts me the most. The fact that it was THAT easy to just say "Okay, I'm done. It was a good run. Goodbye.". I could never do that to someone.

But I've been reading this book lately. It's called "Codependent No More" and it helps me see some of my issues from the outside. The clinging and the attention grabbing nature that I possess. And I understand. But that doesn't make it much easier. I'll admit I'm not the easiest person to like. But I didn't think it would be that easy for someone to just up and walk away. And I'm sad. I'm really sad about it all. It's been hard to eat and sleep, and I've been losing and gaining weight daily and rapidly. I'll lose a few pounds then gain it all back by the end of the week and it's ridiculous and probably very unhealthy. I just don't know how to deal right now and I'm trying to find an out. Which is why I've labeled my blog "Write in ink - not blood", because that's exactly what I'm trying to do right now.

Ugh, I just wish there was an easier way. But of course, life isn't fair. We all deal with loss. I'm not the only one. And in a year, this will all seem pretty silly, and I'm making it much more complicated than it needs to be. I'm just upset, and don't really know what else to do from here. I guess that's really my issue right now. And it's the only thing going on in my head. Trying to find a resolution for all of this. Maybe it will come in time. But until then, I don't want to lose the rest of my friends from this one mistake. So if you guys are out there reading this please know that I love you and I'm so thankful for you.