Wall Named God

Staring at chalk-white
It's the darkest of nights.
Your features are hard to distinguish
From here you don't quite look right.

Words start pouring out
Every sentence more intense than the last.
Tears drench my face
As I try to take away my past.

Apologies are what I think you want
But you give no recognition.
Was that a nodded acceptance
Or am I having a vision?

Please forgive
Please forget.
I've never been sorrier
For the things I regret.

I hope you accept this as a prayer
No matter how late, can I find you there?
Tucked in bed, I feel a bit odd
Praying to this wall that I've named God.

Note to God - Charice

How do I feel about God?

That's a very intense question. I know that pain and suffering bring about understanding, but does there have to be SO much? In the world, in a community, in a family, in a relationship, in just one person's life? There is so much pain in the world, so much hate and so much bad. But there is also a lot of good going on out there. But do we praise that? Do we look at all of the good things going on in the world and say "This is a wonderful place to be"? No. We look at all the anger and hate and crime and say "This world will cave in on itself.". 

But people tell me to trust fate. Trust God. He'll lead you in the right direction. Will He? Who is He? What does He do? I have been to a few different types of churches, and I've read parts of the Bible, and I respect the efforts and all, but I personally think a lot of it is fable. A lot of what is said in the Bible refers to the day it was written in, not now. And no one really follows it anymore. A very few amount of people follow their own rules. And I get confused and don't really know what to believe.

But religion and God are two completely different topics.

Do I believe in God? Yeah, I do. I think he's up there, he exists. We had to form from somewhere, and a lot of scientists can say that we evolved from the animals that came before us in a world that was shaped out of space and the universe... but were did all that come from? Where did it start? Someone had to do it. There has got to be a reason for our existence. 

So if I believe in God and I know he is out there and I know that I want him to be part of my life, what is my next step? I want to talk to him, so I pray sometimes. But do I need to go to church? Should I pick a religion, or can I just say "Yeah, I know God. I talk to him when I can and live my life as well as possible."? I would love to just go through life talking to God on my own time on my own terms. I don't want to have to be part of a religion for someone to take me seriously about my relationship with God. And I want him to know how much I appreciate all of the good things in my life that I know wouldn't have happened without him. But how do I do that if I don't know if he is listening? I talk, but how will I know he gets the message? I have very little faith in my own words and actions, but I don't want to become part of something that I don't believe in just so I feel like he can hear me better. 

A church always makes my prayers seem more real. Sitting in my bed talking to my wall and naming it "God" doesn't make it Him. So how do I know that he's getting it? How do I know he can hear me and that he understands my pain? I just want some kind of confirmation, some sort of evidence. It is very hard for me to believe things that I can not see. But I'm trying to have faith. And I'm trying to rely on the silence that calms my thoughts after having these one-sided conversations. But it's very difficult.

So God... this is my note to you.

What do I do now?

Never Say Never - The Fray

I don't really know what is going on anymore. I'm angry all the time and tired when I'm not angry and tired and angry, and sad a lot, and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to say that I'm depressed because I don't know if I am or not. And this is just so fucking much to handle. I can't take being in this new place, having all of this new stuff happening, and losing all of my old stuff all at the same time. It isn't fair. I specifically said I didn't want to come here and lose everyone and everything at home. And what's been happening? I'm here in Florida, losing everything I've worked for in Virginia. Is it worth it? No. Nothing is worth losing great friends. So how do I turn this all around? They keep telling me I need to change, but I can't change for them. I won't do it. I won't let them dictate to me how I need to be. I like who I am, the only thing making me unhappy is the fact that everyone is telling me how and who to be because they don't like me. Well if you don't like me then fuck you. That's not my problem, it's yours.


On another note, my grandma is out of the hospital which makes me really happy. She's going on a trip to visit my aunt and uncle for a week to scope out apartments closer to them. I am so happy that she's going to be closer to family. I miss her and want to be able to see her again. It sucks that they are so far away, but it's good to know that she is alright. 


I wish I knew what to do about my life right now. Like I said it's wonderful and really crappy at the same time. There are all of these new things to deal with and I really don't know how. I don't know what to do, who to talk to, or what to say. It seems like everyone I talk to is talking to everyone else behind my back and it isn't really fair. Everyone is informed except for me. So I feel like I can't really trust anyone anymore. I hate this. I hate having to talk to a computer that doesn't give me answers. Having to type away all of my feelings because I don't have a friend I can go to. I've got so much to say and so much to figure out still and none of it works out in my head. Not one thing fits, because it went from great to shit in the matter of hours. And all these things that I didn't know my "friends" were feeling about me came out into the open. I want to say everything I'm thinking to them, but that would ruin everything. I'm so upset and so angry and I just want to say the meanest things. But someone pointed out to me that every time we fight, the fight becomes about me and my feelings. And that person is correct.  I talk about my feelings a lot, and don't really wait for the other person to speak up. But if you don't tell me how you're feeling and don't offer up the information, how am I supposed to know it exists? How am I supposed to know that this situation hurts you if you don't tell me? I can't read your mind. I don't know. You think that I should assume that you're sad we aren't friends, but when you tell me that you don't care, or couldn't care less, or are focused on other things, that leads me to believe that YOU DON'T CARE. Huh, I wonder why. You are SO confusing and SO frustrating and you make me want to scream and cry and cut and so much more. But I won't. I won't do it. Because if I'm not worth your time you're not fucking worth mine. You don't want to talk or work it out or anything. So why the hell should I care? What am I supposed to do? Be waiting for you when you're ready to stop being a dick? I don't think so. You're acting just like the people you try to keep me away from. And it isn't fair that I have to change and you don't. There are plenty of things about you that I'm fed up with, but that doesn't mean I'm just going to give up on you and our friendship. It means that I'm gonna deal and try and accept you how you are.


I wish you took your own advice.

Vanilla Twilight - Owl City

So another long night is over with. Off of work, and off for a day. Today went by really quickly but it sucked hardcore. I miss home so much today and I just can not wait to go and visit. It's been really silent today. Like... I deleted all of my texts so that if no one texted me today I would know. And not many people did. I've been trying really hard all day not to text anyone because I don't want to bother anyone. I keep getting my days mixed up and I forgot it was Sunday so while I was busy trying not to text anyone during class... no one is sitting in class right now. It's so confusing here I never know which way is up. I miss my friends so much right now I have no idea what I'm going to do.

Right now I would really just love to sit down and cry and it's completely impossible because I just have zero alone time. And sometimes I don't mind that so much but right now I just want to be able to break down and cry and all of my friends from home aren't here to help me. And my main friend isn't even my friend anymore. What do I do about that? We aren't speaking and every time we do we argue or something stupid and I'm sick of it! I just want to know what's happening. Like everything happened so quickly that I really am not sure if I even know what's going on. And things like that really bug me. Not knowing how my life ended up where it is now really bothers the living crap out of me. I just want to know how I got where I am.

Today life sucks. I'm tired, bored, lonely, depressed, and forgotten.

Stay - Days Difference

So I don't know what to do right now. Everything is great, but everything sucks. All at the same time. If you look at my life just in Florida, it's wonderful. I love working at Disney. I love my job, my friends, my roommate, the whole set up. It's so great. But then if you forget all that and think about everything I'm missing at home, it's too much. I miss my friends, my family, my sorority sisters, my best friend who never wants to speak to me again. I miss them all. I miss everything about LC and I miss having people physically there for me. And so I wonder - is this just me being homesick? Is this finally what being homesick feels like that? Or is there more to it? Am I not strong enough to do this on my own and to deal with being lonely? I don't really know anymore.

About three weeks ago now I made the biggest mistake a girl can make, and I told someone I loved them. Well, that all blew up in my face. Of course. And now that someone is not talking to me. That person is probably better off without me, and that is very scary. I'm scared that this person will be a better person without me and I'm scared that my friendship to them did not mean as much to them as their friendship meant and still means to me. I have felt like a bad person for a while now and all I can think of is that I'm still doing so poorly that my own friends don't even want anything to do with me. And of course I gave this person the ultimate excuse. They never have to speak to me again and I wouldn't blame them if they didn't. But God does it suck. I miss this person terribly. As a person, not as someone I love romantically. But as a friend. It feels like someone has died. A loss, if you will. And I don't really know what to do from here. I can't try and fix it because I'm not there in person. But if I were, would I want to push that? Or just give them space? Space seems to be the answer here, but it is so very difficult. I've been so used to speaking to this person every day almost for years, and now that's all gone and I feel like they hate me. And to top it off, they are showing zero emotion. And that hurts me the most. The fact that it was THAT easy to just say "Okay, I'm done. It was a good run. Goodbye.". I could never do that to someone.

But I've been reading this book lately. It's called "Codependent No More" and it helps me see some of my issues from the outside. The clinging and the attention grabbing nature that I possess. And I understand. But that doesn't make it much easier. I'll admit I'm not the easiest person to like. But I didn't think it would be that easy for someone to just up and walk away. And I'm sad. I'm really sad about it all. It's been hard to eat and sleep, and I've been losing and gaining weight daily and rapidly. I'll lose a few pounds then gain it all back by the end of the week and it's ridiculous and probably very unhealthy. I just don't know how to deal right now and I'm trying to find an out. Which is why I've labeled my blog "Write in ink - not blood", because that's exactly what I'm trying to do right now.

Ugh, I just wish there was an easier way. But of course, life isn't fair. We all deal with loss. I'm not the only one. And in a year, this will all seem pretty silly, and I'm making it much more complicated than it needs to be. I'm just upset, and don't really know what else to do from here. I guess that's really my issue right now. And it's the only thing going on in my head. Trying to find a resolution for all of this. Maybe it will come in time. But until then, I don't want to lose the rest of my friends from this one mistake. So if you guys are out there reading this please know that I love you and I'm so thankful for you.