This week has been so crazy. My throat hurts REALLY bad, I'm cramping (finally), and I've been having terrible headaches. I'm not sure I'm going to make it all the way through these next few weeks. I've only got two months left and if I can make it through this then I know I can do anything. I had a friend tell me a few weeks ago that he was surprised that I was even still here because I have no follow through. I'm great at making goals and having good ideas but terrible about actually doing it. And I want to prove him wrong. As bad as that seems, it's the truth. I want to shove it in his face that I can fucking do something. I can set a goal and reach it and do it without bitching or complaining or without wanting to give up. I want to do this. But I'm not really sure if I can. I'm so scared that I'm going to pass out at work or something it is SO fucking hot here. I don't know if I can take it. I would be so much better at this if I didn't have to work outside all damn day. But I do. My entire job is outside in the summer heat in the smack dab middle of summer in Florida. And I am not okay with that. I'm not working out as a cast member here. But I want to do this so that I can say that I did. I finished the program, I did it on my own, I didn't back out, I'm not a coward, I can do this. Plus if I quit or get fired I lose everything I've worked for this semester. I lose all of my credits and I lose all of the personal progress that I've made since I got here. And this experience is worth so much more than a few memories. If I can finish this program and then become seasonal and stay with the company then I could get so many more perks than I could ever imagine. I work for Disney and I look good and I did it. Me. On my own. No one else. No one is here to help me out, my parents haven't been helping me with money, nothing. I did this. And he can fucking shove it.
I'm going to be just fine on my own after college. I've been worrying about it a lot lately and I can't believe that I have because as long as I have a job I will be just fucking fine and I won't need anyone's help. I just want people to believe in me. I want my friends to believe that I have potential and that I can go somewhere and do something with my life. I can't stand knowing that I'm a failure. Not just to myself, but I'm a failure according to the people who love me too. I can't keep a job, or a promise, or a man. But I can keep weight really well. I can't lose that shit to save my life. But I joined up with Weight Watchers again to see if I could do it this time. I really do want to lose weight and I know I need to. And I need to do it the right way. Slowly and healthily. And I kinda feel like if I don't do that now, then I never will. And I will always have to settle for someone who is okay with my size but who never finds me completely beautiful. Someone who is just alright. Damnit, just because I'm fatter than half the world doesn't mean that I deserve to be loved less. And that makes me mad too because I feel like I would have been married by now had it not been for my weight. Fucking dicks. I hate men. But I fucking hate women too. Everyone is just a fucking dick. Period. I'm fucking beautiful and if you don't see that then you can fucking shove it.
That's all.
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