So it's been a while. Things are better, and things are worse. Things are better because the best friend and I are back to speaking and back to being actual friends. I got to go home for a few days and leave Disney to visit Virginia and see graduation. Spent a lot of times with my greatest friends, saw some really cool people, had a really good time. And everything is better.
But everything is worse.
Now that I went to visit I want to be there all the time. My program ends in a few months and I'm getting pretty excited about it. But I'm ready to go now, ya know? I'm ready to pack up my car and drive back to Virginia. But I don't at the same time. Everything is so confusing.
I recently looked into bipolar depression because I think I have it. I think that that would explain everything . I'm always so fucking moody and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being super happy and then something happens and I'm crying. It takes about a second for my mood to go from ten to zero. I still think about killing myself a lot. I think about how the world would look without me in it. A friend of mine recently asked me if I thought people would be happier without me around and I told him no, but I lied. I think there are a lot of people who I wouldn't bother anymore. I wouldn't be a bitch to anymore, I wouldn't hurt anymore. There are a lot of people who would probably be very happy with me gone. And that fact - that people get frustrated with me, that I've hurt people - that little bit is enough to make me feel like I want to run my car off a bridge, or swallow a bottle of pills, or drown myself, or cut myself in the shower until all of my blood runs out of my body and I'm found a day later.
But it's the fact that there are a couple people who actually care for me that keeps me here. But I only stay for them. Not for me. And that is what needs to change. I need to start living for me, living to make me happy, not to make others happy. Because if I can't find a purpose for myself sometime soon I'm going to stop trying to make everyone else happy too. I want to be happy, and I want to be happy on my own. I don't want to have to date someone to make me happy or to make me feel worthy of something. I don't want someone to call me to remember that I'm wanted in this world. I should know already, and I don't. And I don't know how to figure it out.
I wish tat this pain would go away. I always want to cry and scream and be alone and just not deal with people. And it won't leave. I can't do it. But I know if I tell someone I'll be cared for and looked after and I hate that shit. Stop pretending like you care just so if I kill myself you don't have to feel like it's your fault. If I did kill myself it would be to make me happy, not to make others sad. So don't give yourself so much credit.
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