Never Say Never - The Fray

I don't really know what is going on anymore. I'm angry all the time and tired when I'm not angry and tired and angry, and sad a lot, and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to say that I'm depressed because I don't know if I am or not. And this is just so fucking much to handle. I can't take being in this new place, having all of this new stuff happening, and losing all of my old stuff all at the same time. It isn't fair. I specifically said I didn't want to come here and lose everyone and everything at home. And what's been happening? I'm here in Florida, losing everything I've worked for in Virginia. Is it worth it? No. Nothing is worth losing great friends. So how do I turn this all around? They keep telling me I need to change, but I can't change for them. I won't do it. I won't let them dictate to me how I need to be. I like who I am, the only thing making me unhappy is the fact that everyone is telling me how and who to be because they don't like me. Well if you don't like me then fuck you. That's not my problem, it's yours.


On another note, my grandma is out of the hospital which makes me really happy. She's going on a trip to visit my aunt and uncle for a week to scope out apartments closer to them. I am so happy that she's going to be closer to family. I miss her and want to be able to see her again. It sucks that they are so far away, but it's good to know that she is alright. 


I wish I knew what to do about my life right now. Like I said it's wonderful and really crappy at the same time. There are all of these new things to deal with and I really don't know how. I don't know what to do, who to talk to, or what to say. It seems like everyone I talk to is talking to everyone else behind my back and it isn't really fair. Everyone is informed except for me. So I feel like I can't really trust anyone anymore. I hate this. I hate having to talk to a computer that doesn't give me answers. Having to type away all of my feelings because I don't have a friend I can go to. I've got so much to say and so much to figure out still and none of it works out in my head. Not one thing fits, because it went from great to shit in the matter of hours. And all these things that I didn't know my "friends" were feeling about me came out into the open. I want to say everything I'm thinking to them, but that would ruin everything. I'm so upset and so angry and I just want to say the meanest things. But someone pointed out to me that every time we fight, the fight becomes about me and my feelings. And that person is correct.  I talk about my feelings a lot, and don't really wait for the other person to speak up. But if you don't tell me how you're feeling and don't offer up the information, how am I supposed to know it exists? How am I supposed to know that this situation hurts you if you don't tell me? I can't read your mind. I don't know. You think that I should assume that you're sad we aren't friends, but when you tell me that you don't care, or couldn't care less, or are focused on other things, that leads me to believe that YOU DON'T CARE. Huh, I wonder why. You are SO confusing and SO frustrating and you make me want to scream and cry and cut and so much more. But I won't. I won't do it. Because if I'm not worth your time you're not fucking worth mine. You don't want to talk or work it out or anything. So why the hell should I care? What am I supposed to do? Be waiting for you when you're ready to stop being a dick? I don't think so. You're acting just like the people you try to keep me away from. And it isn't fair that I have to change and you don't. There are plenty of things about you that I'm fed up with, but that doesn't mean I'm just going to give up on you and our friendship. It means that I'm gonna deal and try and accept you how you are.


I wish you took your own advice.