That's a very intense question. I know that pain and suffering bring about understanding, but does there have to be SO much? In the world, in a community, in a family, in a relationship, in just one person's life? There is so much pain in the world, so much hate and so much bad. But there is also a lot of good going on out there. But do we praise that? Do we look at all of the good things going on in the world and say "This is a wonderful place to be"? No. We look at all the anger and hate and crime and say "This world will cave in on itself.".
But people tell me to trust fate. Trust God. He'll lead you in the right direction. Will He? Who is He? What does He do? I have been to a few different types of churches, and I've read parts of the Bible, and I respect the efforts and all, but I personally think a lot of it is fable. A lot of what is said in the Bible refers to the day it was written in, not now. And no one really follows it anymore. A very few amount of people follow their own rules. And I get confused and don't really know what to believe.
But religion and God are two completely different topics.
Do I believe in God? Yeah, I do. I think he's up there, he exists. We had to form from somewhere, and a lot of scientists can say that we evolved from the animals that came before us in a world that was shaped out of space and the universe... but were did all that come from? Where did it start? Someone had to do it. There has got to be a reason for our existence.
So if I believe in God and I know he is out there and I know that I want him to be part of my life, what is my next step? I want to talk to him, so I pray sometimes. But do I need to go to church? Should I pick a religion, or can I just say "Yeah, I know God. I talk to him when I can and live my life as well as possible."? I would love to just go through life talking to God on my own time on my own terms. I don't want to have to be part of a religion for someone to take me seriously about my relationship with God. And I want him to know how much I appreciate all of the good things in my life that I know wouldn't have happened without him. But how do I do that if I don't know if he is listening? I talk, but how will I know he gets the message? I have very little faith in my own words and actions, but I don't want to become part of something that I don't believe in just so I feel like he can hear me better.
A church always makes my prayers seem more real. Sitting in my bed talking to my wall and naming it "God" doesn't make it Him. So how do I know that he's getting it? How do I know he can hear me and that he understands my pain? I just want some kind of confirmation, some sort of evidence. It is very hard for me to believe things that I can not see. But I'm trying to have faith. And I'm trying to rely on the silence that calms my thoughts after having these one-sided conversations. But it's very difficult.
So God... this is my note to you.
What do I do now?
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