Story For Supper - Lydia

I usually only write when I'm mad or upset or anything like that and when I have a million things to say. This time is a bit different. I don't really have anything to say I just want something to do. I leave for work in about an hour and lately I've been so bored that all I do is sleep and that can not be good for me. So this is me trying to be productive.
My daily routine is pretty predictable. I get up, lay in bed for a while (maybe turn on some music) and then I go make breakfast, get ready for work, and then work for the day. This is how life would be if I lived alone. But luckily I have the added benefit of being able to share a lot of my mornings, nights, and days off with my wonderful roommate. I don't know what I would do here without her. She's so great and definitely keeps me in tact.
Anyway, I know this is probably the most random thing I've ever written (this particular blog entry, not this sentence) but I'm so angry with Sprint as a phone provider. I get great service with them usually, but every single one of my phones have broken after just a year. And I can't figure out if it's me or the phone that is messing up because it's always the charging port on the phone. Oh well.
Okay, so legit... I'm sure I had something to say when I started this. I guess I'm just lonely today and feel like I want to talk to someone who will actually listen. So that's usually when the computer comes into play. My good old computer never lets me down - but that's just because he doesn't really have the choice. I wish I had someone to talk to lately. Just anybody. It's so weird how one day I don't want anything to do with anyone and then the next all I want to do is talk to people. Any people. GAH.

I think I need to vent about work some, too. But I'm not sure if I should do that here.


"So tell me what did you do those three days you were dead, 'cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend." - Jesus Christ by Brand New

Savior - Rise Against

So apparently crying helps. I spent my entire day yesterday crying and yelling at people and fighting, and today I feel close to perfect. I'm a little tired, but I don't think that's going to go away any time soon. I'm still thinking about suicide all the time, but I really don't think it's going to become an issue. I don't know if I want to kill myself or if I just like knowing all the different ways to in case it becomes an issue one day. I just like to be over prepared. I know that that is really weird, but it's just how I am. I found out yesterday that the attitude I used to have in high school is definitely still buried in me somewhere. I thought that it was gone, but obviously it isn't.
We got a new apartment and were in the process of moving and one of my house mates threw away an entire cake that I baked. She just decided that it was bad. She didn't bother to ask or anything, even though she knew I was heading over to get the rest of my stuff that day. And as trivial as that is, it was the last fucking straw. I couldn't take it anymore and I just started yelling at her and crying and I don't really know what happened to be honest. It was just a cake, I know that. But that isn't the point. If anyone knows anything at all about me, you know for a fact that you DO NOT touch my things. Anything that belongs to me. I freak out easily. You don't touch my phone or computer or car or iPod or food or anything that belongs to me. It really bothers me when someone is that disrespectful. And so it wasn't really about the cake it was more about the fact that she always takes things that aren't hers and eats food that doesn't belong to her and tries to make rules for all of us like she is our mother. I am a fucking adult, shove your rules up your ass and save them for someone who cares. I make my own rules for me. I clean up after myself in the common areas of the house, so the way I run my life and the way my room looks is not up to you. It is up to me.
God, she just fucking pisses me off. People who try to run the lives of others piss me off in general and she doesn't know how to shut the fuck up and live her own life.

On a different note - I wish I knew how to have a conversation that is somewhat controversial without getting so fucking angry. I have such a temper and I wish I knew how to make it go away. But I don't. I get offended way too easily. I yell and scream and cry at the stupidest things. And when people are trying to help me I'm just a fucking jerk and it's going to make all of my friends leave me and I know it. But I can't control myself and I don't know why. I hate myself so fucking much. I also hate that this is the only place in the world that I can go to to vent. I can't talk to my friends about how I feel because if I do they only see the bad and I look like this negative person who hates life. And honestly that's who I am but I'm trying to be someone else. So I'm trying to get out all of the negativity here and save my friends for the positive parts of life.
UGH.
Life is so confusing. What is the fucking point? Can't I just go home??

The Adventure - Angels And Airwaves

So it's been a while. Things are better, and things are worse. Things are better because the best friend and I are back to speaking and back to being actual friends. I got to go home for a few days and leave Disney to visit Virginia and see graduation. Spent a lot of times with my greatest friends, saw some really cool people, had a really good time. And everything is better.

But everything is worse.
Now that I went to visit I want to be there all the time. My program ends in a few months and I'm getting pretty excited about it. But I'm ready to go now, ya know? I'm ready to pack up my car and drive back to Virginia. But I don't at the same time. Everything is so confusing.

I recently looked into bipolar depression because I think I have it. I think that that would explain everything . I'm always so fucking moody and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being super happy and then something happens and I'm crying. It takes about a second for my mood to go from ten to zero. I still think about killing myself a lot. I think about how the world would look without me in it. A friend of mine recently asked me if I thought people would be happier without me around and I told him no, but I lied. I think there are a lot of people who I wouldn't bother anymore. I wouldn't be a bitch to anymore, I wouldn't hurt anymore. There are a lot of people who would probably be very happy with me gone. And that fact - that people get frustrated with me, that I've hurt people - that little bit is enough to make me feel like I want to run my car off a bridge, or swallow a bottle of pills, or drown myself, or cut myself in the shower until all of my blood runs out of my body and I'm found a day later.

But it's the fact that there are a couple people who actually care for me that keeps me here. But I only stay for them. Not for me. And that is what needs to change. I need to start living for me, living to make me happy, not to make others happy. Because if I can't find a purpose for myself sometime soon I'm going to stop trying to make everyone else happy too. I want to be happy, and I want to be happy on my own. I don't want to have to date someone to make me happy or to make me feel worthy of something. I don't want someone to call me to remember that I'm wanted in this world. I should know already, and I don't. And I don't know how to figure it out.

I wish tat this pain would go away. I always want to cry and scream and be alone and just not deal with people. And it won't leave. I can't do it. But I know if I tell someone I'll be cared for and looked after and I hate that shit. Stop pretending like you care just so if I kill myself you don't have to feel like it's your fault. If I did kill myself it would be to make me happy, not to make others sad. So don't give yourself so much credit.